What I see when I enter a Hotel Room

Women are like Hotel/Motel Rooms


If I wasn’t lazy I would just put it in the story, but I am, and this is easier, so for the duration of the analogy:

Bed = Overall size of a woman

TV = Boobs (substitute with your favorite noun)

Toilet = Butt

Shower = Vagina (or whatever women call their junk)

Furniture/décor = overall appearance

Sink = Mouth

Coffee package = condom


When I first enter a hotel room I take a quick look around for an overall impression.


Size of the bed, how many pillows, hospital corners, or have two kids have been jumping on it for the last hour?   I’m not that fussy, periodically though, I feel like calling the front desk for a touch-up.  I’ll discuss the size of the bed shortly.


The TV in the room is important but not critical, I enjoy watching, but size doesn’t matter, anything over 32” is acceptable.  SD or HD?  HD is nice but SD is fine, I only watch TV when bored.  A tube TV is just a warning sign that the night may be a little nostalgic and that I may need to spend more money on my next room.


Who cares if the carpet and drapes match.  That was more of a 1980’s thing in motels now mosthotel rooms have smooth wood style floors.


The washroom in a motel is normally in the back of the room and the washroom at hotels are normally at the front door.  Did you ever wonder why this is?  I do, and I’m stumped, but I’m a writer not an architect.


The washroom is always a gamble unless you are staying in a brand-new hotel, and I don’t recommend that.  The best hotels are from 18-25 years of age, but anything over that is still acceptable.  I normally stay in motels that have seen a bit of wear and tear.  I have not stayed in a 25-year-old motel since I was 27.


The owners of motels are always interested in improving the property.  But what do you do?  Renovate just one room at a time in the motel?  One room is worth $150 and the others are worth $60?  Doesn’t make sense.  The only thing they can do is pick one thing to renovate and then do it in all the rooms.  They replace the toilets or the TVs, they update the TV service from SD to HD.  And when it’s getting really nasty and gross and there are rust stains and broken tiles on the shower they put in one of those laser tub surrounds.  Which look nice for sure, but if you think about it too much you know there is a rusty tub underneath.


I appreciate overall cleanliness of a room, being blond is an issue when you expect perfection and there is ALLWAYS a black hair somewhere.  Normally the shower or on a towel/bed but no matter what I will find one during the stay.


I look at the shower closely but you know the toilet is always right beside the shower and although you can spend hours in the shower you can’t help but look at the toilet occasionally through the curtain.  And the longer you spend in the shower the more inviting that toilet starts to look.  But the moment you get out of the shower to head to the toilet there is a knock at the door asking how much longer are you going to be.


Sometimes there is a sink in the same room as the shower/toilet but sometimes it’s outside the door, I’m not sure how that would affect your stay but thought I should include it.


If you think the bathroom is sketchy I suggest you stick your head in and take a sniff.  Or if needed, find some excuse to have it touched up by housekeeping.  If I’ve stayed at the hotel before and know the bathrooms could be cleaner sometimes I call ahead and ask housekeeping to give it a quick once over.


Some hotels spray a little air freshener in the room after cleaning, that’s ok, but when an older motel uses a strong-smelling cleaner you know they are trying to hide something. I’m especially careful about this if I’ve picked my motel late at night after consumption of alcoholic beverages.


Sometimes though, they go overboard and put in a king bed.  King beds are nice yes, but is it really needed for one man?  Sure, it’s nice to spread out the electronics on the bed, nice to have my phone, tablet, and in some cases even the laptop if it’s a king bed.   If you set it up correctly you can even watch TV while on the bed or just lay your phone propped up on the bed with porn playing.


I prefer just a double bed, I don’t need anything larger than that.  I would even sleep on a twin bed on occasion if the situation arose.


Some rooms have two queen beds when I walk in and that is a nice surprise.  Two doubles would be even better, but I’m always just grateful when there is more than one bed so I don’t complain.


But I don’t mind adding a cot to the room -- not for a kid, don’t be sick. 


Adjourning doors can make it more interesting as well.


These situations can get confusing, you never know where anything is kept, and when you have the adjourning door open and you want to find a remote control you never can.


Sorry, I forgot to mention the remote control is the clit.


Every remote is different.  Some have a sleep button.  Some have On Demand PPV.  Some have adult channels!


But of course, after a night of passion you wake up and the room might look a little different. Walls not quite as art’ Nuevo as they seemed the night before, bathroom is a mess, glitter everywhere and eyelash glue on the mirror, you hope everyone flushed in the middle of the night and there are no floaters.  The shower is a disaster, looks like a rugby team had a shower.  A BLACK HAIR?  There are black hairs everywhere in the morning. 


The worst though is when you wake up in the morning and there are two king beds shoved together and you thought had a room with a double bed.


A good maid service can take care of it when staying for multiple days.  I like to go for a walk during the day and then return to the room to be pleasantly surprised.   Although it is a bit of a Schrodinger’s cat when you leave your motel room and come back during the day.  Maid service may or may not have cleaned the room.  If Physicists used this analogy instead of killing a cat more people would understand and a lot fewer theoretical cats would have to die.   As much as I want to force people who know little about physics to go Google shrouding’s cat, I suspect the explanation you would get would be confusing.  But let me see if I can explain. 


Some shit in physics is weird and things(particles) are there, or not really there, until you observe them to find out, and then sometimes when you observe them they change.  So, if you put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison that will randomly open and kill the cat – until you open the box and look at the cat, you don’t know if it’s alive or dead, so it can be considered to be both.  This is like when you come back to your hotel room after a long walk you don’t know if your room was serviced or not so you might as well not worry about it because it is both clean and dirty, it’s up to you to open the door and find out.


This is a better analogy as you don’t have to mention the time factor.  But heh, Schrödinger did what he could with what he had and I don’t think there were that many motels in his day.


At the end of your stay of course you should check out and pay the bill, I’ve skipped out a few times, but that is why I check in under an assumed name.   I say it’s because I’m a famous writer but it’s just one of a many excuses I have to check out early.


It’s nice when you get a discount for paying online but sometimes before you book a room you really need to read the review comments closer and maybe take more than a cursory glance at the photos.  Especially the photos posted by other guests -- you know the photos the hotel posts will have been taken by a professional.  If you have the time, drive by the motel a few times and get a sense of the neighbourhood, you can even go in and ask about rates to get a feel for the place.


The cost of the room doesn’t impress me that much, the difference between a cheap motel and a high-end hotel isn’t that big. Some things are a bit cleaner or newer, some coordinate better than others but no matter what they all have a shower, a bed, a TV, and a toliet.


You may have noticed I haven’t talked about the coffee package.  Sometimes I forget -- I don’t drink coffee.  Lucky for my Daughter.




Thanks to this hair for the inspiration for me to waste 8 hours of my day writing this.  I'm a very important person and should not have to spend my time on this.

Thanks to this hair for the inspiration for me to waste 8 hours of my day writing this.  I'm a very important person and should not have to spend my time on this.

David W.Comment